Current weight is 216 pounds.
Talk about letting yourself go.
Had busy few months.
I guess it is time for a New Years Resolution!
More to follow….
robrunning
Slowly getting there. Lost about 1 stone.
Started running again once a week.
Hill walking a lot.
Not eating too much.
Hardly eating any sweet stuff.
Slowly getting on with the building work at home.
Current weight is ok. Food intake is not stupid. Exercise is good.
Beautiful sunny weather.
Are things looking up?
When I was a wee boy I wore make up. This was in the 80s.
New Wave.
Goth.
Hippy.
Concept albums.
Reaction against normalcy and society.
Shock value and rebellion.
It does not make us bad people.
Or mentally deranged.
It shows we are human at the very least.
If I think about any of this it potentially makes me crazy.
eg I want to know what it feels like for a woman to put lipstick on. If I put lipstick on myself, I might be gay. This is the reasoning of a deranged mind.
Yes / No ?
By asking for binary answer you put yourself in a corner.
Effectively, you take yourself hostage.
So in trying to make sense of something, you have in one respect made the situation worse.
Sometimes we go missing.
That is to say we have problems we need to deal with that impact on our abitily to help the other people we help on a day to day basis.
Or intermittency basis.
Or ongoing basis.
Sometimes we negatively affect loved ones due to our inability to do the things we have agreed to do.
Sometimes the fuckups we create are accepted.
Sometimes we try our hardest.
Sometimes we or others create a cascading negative self perpetuating cycle of bullshit that we feel like we can’t escape.
Sometimes we hate ourselves.
Sometimes we hate the people who help us on a day tho day basis.
Sometimes we are wrong.
Sometimes we are right.
Sometimes things are out of our control.
Sometimes we win through no rhyme or reason.
Never stop trying is what I am trying to say.
We plural and individually need to walk away.
This does not have to be the end of the world.
It is perhaps a consequence of reality.
It is a part of change and of life.
i did
Over 15 stone yesterday.
Again.
Seems to fluctuate around several pounds at the moment.
Doesn’t make sense.
Fatty I am though.
Apart from all the health and weight issues, I’m over my hernia problem.
So time to go back to work.
So it says almost 14 st 11 lb => 207 pounds => 94 kg
Metabolic age 60.
Fuck!
I know we shouldn’t rely on these things too much but still, I feel awful.
I still don’t seem to be able to do anything about it.
Time to pull myself together.
So I have been lazy. Having lost several pounds having covid I have been lazy.
I have also been greedy.
Eating two portions. Eating lots of chocolate. Breakfast or lunch from McDonald’s.
I am perfectly capable of nit doing this but I am ignoring my first reaction which says no and doing it anyway.
A treat or two is ok but I am lying to myself that it is ok because I can afford it a bit as i lost weight.
This has been my pattern for a year. If I do actually lose some weight I treat myself the weight back on and more.
I am ashamed of myself. I hate myself.
I do it anyway…